50 Things I Am Not Allowed To Do At Hogwarts
by twistyguru
Summary: One Shot, Crack!Fic. No Spoilers. My own personal list of things I'm not supposed to do or even think about doing next year at Hogwarts. They never let me have any fun or earn a galleon or ten ! Implied Harry/Draco. Complete.


A/N: So, I just discovered Atlanta Pendragon's mindblowing 'Things I'm Not Allowed To Do At Hogwarts' list (which you can find at atalantapendrag (dot) livejournal (dot) com (backslash) 163152 (dot) html, which was originally inspired by the '213 Things Skippy is No Longer Allowed to Do in the U.S. Army' (found at http (colon) (double backslash) skippyslist (dot) com (backslash) list). As it turns out, there are multiple such lists out there on the web, but I just had to make up my own. There may or may not be more coming, depends on just how many more of these come to mind.

Disclaimer: own NOTHING, making no profit, just borrowing for funzies. Inspiration as above--blame THEM!

**TwistyGuru's** _**50 Things That I Am Not Allowed To Do At Hogwarts**_

Tell the firsties that I am a T-Rex animagus

Tell the firsties that I have special 'animagus sight', and that their form is a duck-billed platypus, tribble, dodo, lungfish or flobberworm

Sell fake potion recipes for magical sexual lubricant

Sell fake potion recipes for Love Potions #1 thorough #8

Sell repackaged Astro-Glide, KY or Wet as 'Minnie McGonagall's Magical Motion Lotion'

Sell repackaged Crisco as ' Sevvie Snape's Super Slick Sex Lube'

Tell the firsties that all of the _really good_ 'adult' spells can only be cast when your wand is inserted into a nether orifice….

Bring a gag Ouija board to Divination—you know, the ones that only spell out dirty words

Start every Potions class by asking Professor Snape if today's project can be administered rectally

Dye my hair black, paint my finger- and toenails black, put on makeup and go to the hospital wing claiming to have been hit with the '_Emoitis_' curse

Sell parchments allegedly containing the secret _Emoitis_ curse to the firsties

Sell the_ Emoitis_ counter-curse for more than double the curse price

Sprinkle _Psilocybin_ spores in Professor Sprout's mushroom trays

Replace a few bottles of Snape's Veritiserum with liquid LSD

Link the magic mirror spells in each bathroom to the large mirrors in each House's Common Rooms

Give the House Elves the recipe for chocolate Ex-Lax brownies…right before the weekly staff meeting

Plant magically-enhanced cold-adapted kudzu around the castle grounds

Tell Professor Snape that "dude, the Emo look is, like, so last decade"

Continue trying to convince Trelawny that she weights as much as a duck

On the first day of class, measure the DADA teacher for a pine box

Every time someone mentions the DADA professor: sigh, shake my head and mutter 'so sad, really' (Alternate: ask, in a loud, surprised voice "What?!? You mean they're not dead yet?")

Refer to a certain Dark Lord as "Lord Anal Warts" and his followers as "Butt Munchers" (Note: referring to fellow students whose parents are affiliated with the Dark Lord as "Junior Butt Munchers" is perfectly legal and, in point of fact, encouraged.)

Get the Muggle Studies professor to make A. N. Roquelaure's _Sleeping Beauty_ Trilogy required reading—as an example of a 'typical' muggle fairy tale.

Four words: Dark Mark Temporary Tattoos

Leave copies of Horace Hardscrabble's _**Handy Handbook of Horribly Humorous Hexes**_ lying around for the firsties to find

Yell 'Food Fight!' during the Welcoming Feast, throw one handful, then hide under the table

Ask the firsties every week or so how many of their class have mysteriously disappeared thus far, and if they've put their affairs in order

Give Moaning Myrtle a chunk of metallic sodium and tell her it's a magic rock that only activates under water—preferably in the pipes near the staff quarters

Tell the muggle-born firsties that House Elves are former students who failed their first year final exams

Start a rumor about a missing copy of the Beauxbaton's secret sex manual

Call Professor McGonagall 'Minnie' or Professor Snape 'Sevvie' to his or her face

Publicly announce that I am starting a betting pool for the number of gross violations of the Evil Overlord List the Dark Lord will commit this academic year

Ask the _Daily Prophet_ to run a poll with the following choices: Harry tops exclusively/Draco tops exclusively/They're versatile

Tell the Hufflepuffs that all of the other Houses have 'team building orgies' on a regular basis

Tell the Ravenclaws that all of the other Houses have 'study orgies' on a regular basis

Tell the Slytherins that all of the other Houses have 'keep your friends close and your enemies closer' orgies on a regular basis

Tell the Gryffindors that all of the other Houses have orgies on a regular basis and that it's a pity they don't have the guts to do the same.

Offer to conduct the traditional guided tour of the Forbidden Forest for firsties free of charge

Forge signatures on Hogsmeade passes for those in need

Transfigure all of the salt on the tables in the Great Hall into Ritalin©

Two words: Camo Robes

Post large signs saying "This way to the Chamber of Secrets" in random locations

Charm the suits of armor to sing "A Wizard's Staff Has Knob On The End" whenever someone walks by (Alternate: "The Stick 'Tween My Legs Is Long and Hard, 'Cause I'm a Quiddich God")

Insist that the password to my House dorm should either be in the form of a question (What is _____?) or a Clue® answer: Professor _____, in the _____, with a ____

Refer to the Weasley or Patil twins as 'clones'

Regale Luna Lovegood with tales of my alien abduction, including the horrors of my anal probing

Convince the Ravenclaws that red lip dye will make them smarter (extra points for showing Dune as proof)

Claim that an life-sized inflatable love doll spray-painted silver is my Patronus

Tell the firsties that mixing Pixy Stix with pumpkin juice makes a good flying potion—especially if they add salt (see #40, above) and Veritiserum (see #14, above)

Replace Malfoy's hair care products with Nair

**Notes:** Hardscrabble's text is described in my work 'From the Quibbler'. Metallic sodium plus water equals BOOM, and is a classic prank (especially when flushed from several floors up). The Evil Overlord List may be found at www (dot) eviloverlord (dot) com (backslash) lists (backslash) overlord (dot) html. The rest you can look up yourself.


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